Campus Life

Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve

Student Jim Rushmore was seen strolling at a quick and steady pace across the Main Quadrangle on Monday morning last week, pushing his way through the crowd of students walking to class. 

Casey Macy, a friend of Rushmore’s, tried to get his attention through a chummy smile, but was unable to do so. She then tried to wave to him, but Jim marched on, apparently blind to the efforts of his friend. Macy quickly retracted her hand and pretended to readjust her glasses to avoid the shame of a publicly unrequited hello.

“He really looked like he was concentrated on walking to his destination. He was walking with his Airpods in and kept looking straight ahead, even though he must’ve passed so many friends, acquaintances, and people he once DM’d on Instagram.” said classmate Moe Degrasse.“He elbowed me in the ribs even though we were theoretically going to the same class.”

Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.” The Dealer estimates that those around him were likely also  very smart UChicago students who needed to get to class. 

While the Dealer sent a reporter to try to reach Rushmore, our reporter apparently got stuck behind a painfully unhurried student with a Pret latte and big over-ear headphones, losing  Rushmore in a crowd of Canada Goose jackets.

In a strange turn of events, Rushmore was last seen stopped at the 57th street sidewalk, apparently having gotten the classroom wrong.