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Heartbreaking! DU Invested Entire Fund Into FTX
Reports show DU members begging for Maroon Dollars outside the Reg to repay their debt, although no member responded to our request for comment.
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How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope
They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it.
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Dean Boyer Snubbed by Popular Clique of Ivy League Provosts
“I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."
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Northwestern Spy Balloon Spotted over UChicago Campus
College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO".
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University Hires New Neubauer Family Assistant Associate Vice Admiral Director of Rigorous Professional Academic Engagement, Inquiry, and Hijinks
“We felt like the administration just wasn’t doing our job with 5,438 employees, but we remain optimistic that the 5,439th will do the trick.”
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Announcing the Shady Dealer’s Datamatch 2023
“After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”
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New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne
The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”
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North Resident With “Eyesore” View of Max P Self-Proclaimed “Most Oppressed on Campus”
The UChicago community was sent into an uproar this week after #justiceforNorth began trending on Twitter.
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I’m 40, I Teach Here, and I Just Messaged You on Tinder
So how about it? Wanna give me a shot? If the age gap ever feels weird, just pretend I’m 25 like I said I was when we first matched.
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Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!
I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.
