REYNOLDS CLUB — USG’s newly elected executive ticket unveiled a daring and ambitious plan Friday to feed all USG employees one weekly four-course prix fixe meal from a top Chicago restaurant.
Funding for the program will come directly from the Student Services fee, which funds USG’s $2 million budget. “We believe this is the most ambitious embezzlement program in the history of UChicago,” the statement announcing the program read, “and we couldn’t be prouder.”
“For too long, UChicago’s impoverished student government leaders have been merely well-fed, receiving weekly catering from several of Hyde Park’s businesses,” the statement continued. “That standard of living is unacceptable. This policy shows that not only is USG as a unit better than that, we are better than you.”
Student Government Finance Committee officials, gorging on Alinea, expressed their support for the new policy, calling it the “natural extension of our quest to deny RSOs as much money in Annual Allocations as possible.” One SGFC staffer noted that “backwater” RSOs spend “hundreds upon hundreds” of dollars a year on “stuff I don’t get to use personally.” Another staffer added, “We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”
Student organizations are already feeling the pain of the impending budget cuts. Third-year Mae Medsoon, president of juggling club J.E.L.L.Y., reported concerns about SGFC refusing to fund the club’s essential “chainsaw insurance” in Annual Allocations. Leaders of the UChicago American Red Cross stated they expected to run out of money to fund blood drives as early as October, and called on club members to “sell their blood for a little while instead of donating it.”
Early reports from within USG are calling the program a smashing success. “The wagyu beef from last night was delicious.”