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“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices
To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In…
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College Unveils New “Indecisive” Major
At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.
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Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon
“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.
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Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer
Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!
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Creative Writing Department Announces New Specialization in Shitty New Adult Novels
Required classes include: ‘the half-bed trope: even better than one bed!’, ‘consent and how to circumvent it’, ‘why write characters when you can sculpt a red flag out of clay and pray to…
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Study Finds Writing Workshop Feedback from Kyle “Unhelpful”
A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…
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President Alivisatos Accused of Plagiarizing From the Periodic Table of Elements
Alivasatos is alleged to have submitted papers which contain nothing but basic information about chemical elements taken directly from the periodic table.
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Dining Halls Offer Water Only As of Winter
The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…
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UChicago Launches Skincare MLM to Make Up $239 Million Budget Deficit
Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…
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In New Cost-Saving Measure, UChicago Cuts Heat, Plumbing to Cobb
“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”
