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JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport
June 21, 1961 NEW YORK – On July 1st, 1948, the first flight flew out from JFK Airport. To express his appreciation for the renowned airport, our 35th president has officially changed his…
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Nepo Baby Alert! King’s Son Is Named New King
“Everyone knows the Prince got where he is because of his dad,” said one peasant, who asked for anonymity lest he be arrested and hung upside down by his ankles in the town…
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UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship
This past Monday, the University of Chicago gifted the nation of Chile a token of friendship and goodwill, a giant wooden horse. The so-called “Friedman-Becker Memorial Horse of Democracy and Free Trade” will…
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Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables
UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.
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Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant
Visionary Mark Knockoff has recently invented the newest, hottest form of beauty pageants: Cardboard Pageants. The new pageant is designed to challenge traditional notions of beauty, like the norm around not being made…
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Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear
A recent study published by Dr. Sarah Whippoor has reached a fascinating conclusion: the human soul is controlled by love rather than fear.
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Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House
I, Dean Hale, have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure to announce UChicago will offer a study abroad program at…
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Medieval Studies Major Catches Bubonic Plague for Research Purposes
Third year Thomas Horthenby, a Medieval Studies major, has decided to catch the bubonic plague in order to “know more about what it was really like to live in the Middle Ages.”
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Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work
A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much."
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Dealer Investigates: Harper Elevator Actually Works, “Out-of-Order” Sign Revealed to be Performance Art
An investigation recently conducted by both the Dealer and seven TAPS majors concluded that the east tower elevator in Harper actually works, and the “Out of Order” sign outside is an elaborate piece…
