• MEETING INFO: Thursdays, 6 pm, Harper 145.
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Editors in Chief

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Managing Editor

Antonia Romm

Deputy Managing Editor

Katherine Timm

Layout Editor

Shayaan Gandhi

Photo Editor

Maddy Boneck

Copy Editor

Matilda Robinson

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / June 12, 2025
    read more
  • Politics

    White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

    Pauline Singer / June 10, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

    Justin Bilenker / June 9, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

    Natalie Floreancig / June 8, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / June 7, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

    Pauline Singer / June 6, 2025
    read more
  • Politics

    Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

    Chase Teichholz / June 4, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor

    Pauline Singer / June 3, 2025
    read more
  • Politics

    Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave

    Vivian Psylos / May 29, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

    Daniel Sipes / May 28, 2025
    read more
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