Campus Life

College Unveils New “Indecisive” Major

The University of Chicago prides itself on the seemingly limitless academic directions the College inspires students to follow. Incoming first-years are advised to be open-minded and unafraid of being undecided about their major. Indeed, deans boast that sixty percent of students change their major over their time at the college as the University’s elite education reveals their true passions. 

Encouraged by this atmosphere of self-discovery, many first-years begin finding themselves immediately; they network, join clubs, seek counsel from professors and advisors, make a decision, and declare a major. 

Other students take a different approach. They just sort of wait around for something, anything, to replace the “undecided” option on the major selection drop down. Now, as O-Week ice-breakers give way to awkward introductions as the only third-year in a Core class, they cringe at their undecidedness. They have no hope for support – perhaps an affinity group for such lost souls could be formed, but, y’know, it’s kind of a lot of work to start an RSO and they’re not really sure if clubs are their thing.

At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.

The innovative new program is a short twelve-hundred credit course of study, designed to be crammed entirely into a student’s fourth year. In addition, major courses have no prerequisites whatsoever. As described in the forthcoming course catalog, the major’s focus is to “give your sorry ass enough credits in a single damn subject so you graduate and get the hell out of here.” 

When a student declares as an indecisive major (preferably no earlier than the first day of their senior year), they immediately relieve themselves of all preregistration responsibilities. Each quarter, their schedule automatically fills with four courses from the major, all of which “sound interesting” and “could be fun.” A student may find themself in IDEK 11000: Flourishing in Your Everlasting Existential Crisis, or IDFK 44300: Advanced Major-changing for Fourth-years. Prospective students ought not fear – courses have been expertly designed and are neither “too mathy” nor “all artsy-fartsy,” and will not leave students feeling like they’ve pigeon-holed themselves into spending the rest of their insignificant lives in an unfulfilling career that could have been avoided if only they chose a better, cooler, major.

Volunteers who took sample classes found them to be stimulating and “pretty okay seeming.” “I mean, I liked it, I think I would major – like – possibly, yeah, I guess so,” said one student after taking IDEK 12345:  Intermediate Decision Deferral. “I have a thing now so I gotta go, but, like, yeah, maybe.”

That said, not all classes received glowing reviews. “No, it definitely wasn’t me – I mean, wasn’t for me,” said one student, pale faced, after IDEK 80085: You’re Probably Wrong About Your Sexuality Too, By The Way. “‘Cause you – well, I’m like – oh man, oh god, I’m sorry I gotta go make a call.”

Those who undertake this illustrious course of study can expect to find myriad positions open to them upon graduation, such as: Quadruple Gap Year, Resume Rewriter, Lord of the Flies, The One Who Will Move Home if the Dog Gets Sick, or Folding Chair Philosopher.

The College is excited to welcome the first cohort of students into the major in the coming year. Please address any inquiries idly to no one in particular as you stare out the window and think about nothing specific.