Campus Life

Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon

A cheating scandal has once again roiled the popular phy-sci class Earth as a Planet: it was revealed this week that students of the class have been giving exam answers to the moon. 

In an email sent to all sections of Earth as a Planet, the professor of the class accused multiple students of sharing the content of the exam with the moon, thereby giving the celestial body an unfair advantage when it took the test. So far, the identities of the culprits have not been revealed. However, it may be only a matter of time before the perpetrators are caught, given the fact that the moon has already confessed to the entire scheme. 

“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer, “It’s true: I convinced a bunch of my friends in other sections to give me their answers to the test so I could get a leg up when I took the exam.” 

The moon struck a note of regret, explaining that the fast-paced, competitive nature of UChicago had caused it to cut corners. “I just got so caught up with classes and extracurriculars and grad school applications and I just felt that the only way I could keep up was by cheating” admitted the massive chunk of lunar rock that orbits our planet. 

The moon stated that it had already agreed to take an “Incomplete”, rather than face the possibility of expulsion. In a final aside though, the moon did imply that it knew of others who had cheated in Earth as a Planet: “Maybe I’m just the one who got caught. I think the sun and Mars were also up to something in that class.” The sun could not be reached for comment.

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Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal

[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]