Campus Life

Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer

Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now! A recent campus survey found that the sun shines just a bit colder on the University of Chicago now, and the world is that much grayer. 

“I don’t know quite how to phrase it, but everything just sucks now,” explained fourth-year Dhruv Khatri, “Birds don’t sing anymore, flowers wilt before they bloom, ice cream melts quicker – which is crazy because we’ve had sub-zero weather for the last three months.” 

Third-year Abby Roth agreed that something has gone deeply wrong at the University of Chicago: “I opened a bag of Skittles the other day and it was filled with only orange ones. What the fuck!? Then I bought another bag of Skittles and it was filled with wasps!” 

The sudden decline in the school’s fortune is more than just student perception; a committee of scientists and researchers has confirmed that God does, in fact, hate the University of Chicago. A report finds that UChicago has lost the favor of the Almighty, and so must suffer seven, even eight plagues until it learns its lesson, like Cain when he was ousted from the Eternal Garden.. 

In related news, Duke University, formerly 10th on the US News College Rankings, has jumped to 7th place on the list. Following this development, every student at Duke has reported finding a $20 bill in between their couch cushions.

+ posts

Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal

[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]