Trump organizes GoFundMe to buy Greenland
President Donald Trump has just announced a new plan to finalize his long-sought acquisition of Greenland.
“Many people have told me, ‘President Trump, you can’t send our sons to capture some random icy land!’” Trump told a crowd at a rally on Wednesday. “ When I tell them, ‘Yes, yes, I can!’ they still say, ‘No! No, you can’t do that, stop, PLEASE! PLEASE!’ So you know what? I’m going to buy Greenland instead. This is glorious–we’re going to buy Greenland, set up a base there, and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!!”
Trump clarified that he plans on setting up a GoFundMe to crowdfund his purchase of Greenland from Denmark, asking for donations from all patriotic Americans. If Denmark refuses to sell its territory, the funds may be used to purchase enough votes of Greenlanders to force them to sell. Details about the last part are unclear (given the decision is presumably up to Denmark), but rumors indicate that the money will be used to purchase one year of whale meat supplies for every Greenlander who votes for American annexation.
To encourage participation in the GoFundMe, the White House has announced that all donors will receive a free “Make Greenland Great Again” hat, exclusive access to Trump’s Discord server, and one entry into a lottery for three Cybertrucks.
So far, this initiative has received donations from 100,001 users. 100,000 of them came from an IP address near Yoshkar-Ola, Russia, and one came from a Greenlander who “really wanted to get that hat.”
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
