On Wednesday, Alfred Duo announced that his company Duo Mobile would be introducing new authenti(fi)cation steps including blood draws, urine samples, and STD tests. 

The policy comes amid increasing reports of assailants running past students, grabbing their phones mid-sign-in, and correctly inputting the Duo Mobile numbers then promptly stealing their data. Taking effect on May 1, college students across the country will receive a box with FDA-approved urine cups, needles, and swabs that they will use to determine their vitals before cross referencing on the app to existing medical data provided to the US government by Black Rock. Generic brand alternatives are not acceptable.

The effort has been spearheaded by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has included the new policy in his Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) initiative, stating, “I want to protect our college students; that’s why I replaced all the fluoride in accredited university pipelines with chlamydia. Those kids can build up immunity the way humans have for generations: by getting every STD they can all at once, then never again. With a steady diet of raw milk and blender meat, their bodies should learn to cohabitate with the infections until they’ll be immune to all viruses and parasites. If we do it right, no worm will be able to survive five seconds in their heads. That’s how healthy they’ll be. Trust me.”

The National Security Agency (NSA) recently issued an administrative order stating that any new data from students will be automatically erased after placement into a Secure Plus Palantir data bank, assuring parents they will have no reason to worry about privacy. 

Mr. Duo has promised that any student who wishes to opt out of the policy can do so. Though, forebodingly, in a statement to the Dealer he added, “Opt-out if you want. But the US government knows where you live. And Robert has a lot of ski masks…”

Antonia Romm

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