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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

    Sophie Klopfenstein and 1 more / January 3, 2023

    According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.

    read more
  • Favorites,  Politics

    Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

    Jeff Broust / December 9, 2022

    At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

    read more
  • Politics

    Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 23, 2022

    This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…

    read more
  • Politics

    Turkey Pardon Gone Wrong: Armenian Genocide Perpetrators Acquitted of War Crimes

    Mike Pence / November 21, 2022

    According to sources, the White House is considering apologizing to the Armenian-American community by promising an open dialogue that will happen sometime in the near, yet far future.

    read more
  • Politics

    Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake

    Jacob Halabe / October 21, 2022

    “For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…

    read more
  • Politics

    Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / October 21, 2022

    "The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…

    read more
  • Politics

    Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions

    Christian Villanueva / August 22, 2022

    “We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”

    read more
  • Politics

    Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning

    Twitter / August 10, 2022

    Recent political developments got you down? Want to do something to help out? Here are four extremely qualified Democratic candidates for Congress that want your hard-earned money. Donate to ease your sorrows! They’re…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Politics

    IOP Announces New Fellow, Former Governor Andrew Cuomo

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / August 13, 2021

    The Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago has announced that former governor of New York Andrew Cuomo will join the Institute as a fellow for the 2021-22 academic year. In an…

    read more
  • Politics

    Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn

    Mike / November 14, 2020

    I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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