Following his party’s defeat in Hungary’s parliamentary elections, former prime minister Viktor Orbán decided to shift his attention to another electoral contest: this year’s University of Chicago Student Government (USG) elections. 

Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized that I needed to find a place where the people cared so little that nobody voted.”

Enter the USG Elections. Just two weeks later, Orbán proclaimed victory at a massive rally in Hutchinson Commons. His campaign ordered catering for more than two hundred people, expecting his supporters to celebrate his overwhelming mandate. As Orbán emerged from behind a curtain, he was met with the raucous applause of fourteen people, all of whom chanted “Corbyn! Corbyn! Corbyn!”

Orbán began his speech by thanking God and those who believed in his campaign: “I say to you all, the point of the future is that anything can happen. And you all have made this future.”

When asked about how he defeated his opponents, Orbán smiled. In unrelated news, the current USG leadership is currently drinking at the Pub and sending pleading emails to the administration in lieu of attending the school-sanctioned USG event. 

Orbán has promised to carry out his opponents’ campaign promises, announcing new shuttles downtown sponsored by Boxer’s Glue Works: each van will be marked with a horse logo. 

Orbán then looked around to see that the fourteen people had now become three, after the other eleven grabbed sandwiches and left.

I was one of those eleven, a brave reporter covering the valuable process of democracy. The sandwiches were not great, but I have 165 of them leftover.