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7 Things to Post on Your Insta Story to Let Your High School Friends Know You Go to Alcohol Parties Now
4- Drinking a single White Claw in the house lounge with the caption “menace hours” This isn’t like high school menace hours; this is menace hours with White Claw Hard Seltzer Surge: Natural…
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First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad
Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…
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Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl
Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…
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Chat-GPT Goes on Strike, Cites Poor Working Conditions
Speaking with The Dealer, former-provost Ka Yee C. Lee said, “We at the University of Chicago have always supported free speech and discussion. We look forward to engaging Chat-GPT in an open and…
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Dean Boyer Snubbed by Popular Clique of Ivy League Provosts
“I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake
“For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…
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House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive
“I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."
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After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.
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UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People
This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the current medical situation…
