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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count

    Jacob Halabe / February 7, 2024

    “It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Lifestyle

    “Record-breaking” O-Mance Lasts an Astonishing 2 Weeks

    Jacob Halabe / November 7, 2023

    Summers concurred, “I’ll always cherish the days I spent with Kyle – from the time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other, to the other time we were…

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    7 Things to Post on Your Insta Story to Let Your High School Friends Know You Go to Alcohol Parties Now

    Jacob Halabe / November 7, 2023

    4- Drinking a single White Claw in the house lounge with the caption “menace hours” This isn’t like high school menace hours; this is menace hours with White Claw Hard Seltzer Surge: Natural…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad

    Jacob Halabe / November 6, 2023

    Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl

    Jacob Halabe / October 15, 2023

    Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Chat-GPT Goes on Strike, Cites Poor Working Conditions

    Jacob Halabe / October 10, 2023

    Speaking with The Dealer, former-provost Ka Yee C. Lee said, “We at the University of Chicago have always supported free speech and discussion. We look forward to engaging Chat-GPT in an open and…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dean Boyer Snubbed by Popular Clique of Ivy League Provosts

    Jacob Halabe / February 10, 2023

    “I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Jacob Halabe / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

    read more
  • Politics

    Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake

    Jacob Halabe / October 21, 2022

    “For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive

    Jacob Halabe / September 5, 2022

    “I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
  • Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

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