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UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’
“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”
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UChicago Researchers Invent Quantum Blockchain NFT A.I. Natural Language Processing
Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…
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Grammy Award Given to My Beautiful Grandma
“I thought they gave these awards to musicians or Presidents that record audiobooks,” said my clearly stunned grandmommy.
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Mayoral Candidates Spend $4 Million on Crucial Max P Ad Blitz
Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”
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UChicago Introduces 4:30 AM Final Exams, Citing Cost-Saving
A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA.
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Announcing the Shady Dealer’s Datamatch 2023
“After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”
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Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving
Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.
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Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?
This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…
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How to Hold Your 58th Birthday in a Frat House Without Making It Sound Bad
It is fine if Barbra doesn’t get it. She never gets anything. The only thing she’s done recently is your neighbor George. She got a divorce lawyer, but she doesn’t get your yearning…
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Mansueto Declared World’s Largest Gender-Neutral Restroom
Campus activists have long protested the University’s reluctance to provide gender-neutral facilities; however, they noted that allowing students to relieve themselves in the middle of the humongous dome is “probably not the way…
