Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

On Saturday, October 31 — one week after the newest group of Alpha Omicron Pi pledges were accepted into the UChicago sorority — a pentagram appeared behind the “Authentic Cherokee Tapestry” that first-year Gracie Simmons, had hung on the ceiling of her Max Palevsky dorm room. The night before, this newest pledge class  had  gotten together on Zoom to chant to Selena (the Greek moon goddess, Selena Gomez) in the hopes of cramp-less periods during the upcoming weeks. Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

When the Shady Dealer reached out to Gracie for a comment, she told us, “I had accidentally spilled some nail polish on my booklet during our Big-Little reveal, and I thought Italian and Latin were the same, so I thought, why not use my Italian 201 book as a replacement?”

The backside of Simmons’ head also approached us for a comment: “She may be oblivious now, but she holds the capabilities to return me to my full form-” The deformed face coughed up a glitter scrunchie as we spoke. “And, once she masters Latin 203, the world will bow down to Lucifer again.” 

Alexa DuPage, the chapter president of Alpha Omicron Pi, declined to comment, but on the sorority’s Instagram page, @aoiiuchicago, the newest recruit, Luci Ferre, is pictured in a recent spotlight.