Historical Issue

Joseph Malaria Hopes They Don’t Name Anything Bad After Him

October 19th, 1880

STAGNANT POND – Joseph Malaria, a local man from Stagnant Pond, has expressed that he doesn’t want anything bad to be named after him. “That’s like my worst fear,” he told the Dealer in an interview. “Like, I’ve had a great life. I have a wife, I have kids, I have an award-winning collection of mosquitos. Nothing but good things. Having something bad named after me would really cast a shadow on that. It would make no sense for anyone to name anything bad after me. So don’t do it.” Joseph currently spends his days “chilling” by still bodies of water in equatorial regions. 

Joseph’s friends have expressed concern that his name might become associated with a terrible malady. “Just look at what they did to me,” said Joseph’s neighbor, Anthony Human-Papillomavirus. “One day you’re sitting around minding your own business and then suddenly condoms have a warning with your name on it and your kids are too embarrassed to go to school.” Joseph’s friend, Paul Rabies, chimed in, “Yeah, it’s like everything’s cool one second, and the next everyone’s looking at you like you’re about to bite a second-grader again.” When asked for a closing quote, Joseph said, “Wait does anyone else have flu-like symptoms and night sweats right now? I’m kind of freaking out.”