Historical Issue

Who Is This Man With Opposable Thumbs and Why Is He So Much Better Than the Rest of Us at Foraging?

April 24, 4000 BC

CAVE – As a species, we’ve been foraging for centuries, but a caveman named Gronk may have just made a breakthrough that could revolutionize the practice. Gronk, who was born with opposable thumbs, is able to hold and use tools, which he claims make tasks such as hunting and gathering significantly easier. And the numbers back it up: Gronk boasts harvests of 4,000 calories worth of food per day, which puts him comfortably atop the all-time career stats leaderboard.

Gronk’s opposable thumbs reportedly also make daily tasks much easier. Gronk can throw farther, hold objects more easily, and thumb wrestle better than other humans. Tasks such as lighting fires and breaking sticks are made trivial, and Gronk even claims that having opposable thumbs gives him the ability to confirm or deny propositions nonverbally using universally recognized hand signs.