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Analyst Who Predicted Eight of the Last Ten Plagues Predicts Another
Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues. His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the…
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Get Ripped Like A Hill Tribesman: Follow This New Workout and Diet Plan to Lose That Valley Dweller Flab
Tired of looking like a less-than-great ape? Sick of falling behind on hunts? Feel like a loser while watching those hill tribesmen get laid at the solstice celebration? Diet: It’s easy to let…
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Point/Counterpoint: The Invention of Calculus
Gottfried Leibniz Did Not Read Doing Honest Work in College By Isaac Newton Gottfried Leibniz is a lying plagiarist. I spent twenty freaking years toiling over my books and deriving mathematical equations, and…
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My Love Life Was A Lot Better Before Glasses Were Invented
MILAN, ITALY – Fuck you, Niccolo Alfonso. You came walking down the streets of Milan just a few years ago flexing your new invention. “Look, you all can finally see clearly, even far…
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Virgin Amoeba Threatened by Larger, More Handsome Chad Amoeba
PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba. “What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce…
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Advertisement: We Are Starting a Newspaper and It is Going to Be Great!
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO – It is high time that our beloved University of Chicago had a school newspaper. With this sentiment in mind, we are excited to announce the launch of the Chicago…
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If Your Relationship Can Survive Smallpox, It Can Survive Anything
We live in turbulent times. Monarchies fall, colonies talk of rebelling, and friends get transported to Australia for jaywalking. In these troubling days, couldn’t we all use a relationship we know we can…
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UChicago’s Football Dominance Will Never End!
Following one of the most dominant seasons in history, in which our Maroons went undefeated and claimed the National Championship, the campus community has asserted in one voice that UChicago will forever reign…
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Romans So White They Only Salted Carthage
CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two…
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“Transportation Will Never Be More Convenient!” Says Man Who Made it to Oregon After Switching Family Four Times, Burying Alive Three Sons, and Contracting a Severe Case of Scurvy
WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OREGON – Shoveling the last piece of dirt over his son Robert’s grave, John Wilkinson said with certainty that he could think of “no better, more efficient” way to travel across…
