Historical Issue

My Love Life Was A Lot Better Before Glasses Were Invented

MILAN, ITALY – Fuck you, Niccolo Alfonso. You came walking down the streets of Milan just a few years ago flexing your new invention. “Look, you all can finally see clearly, even far away. It’ll be great,” you said. “It’ll make everyone’s life better,” you said. Well, the fact that I’ve been dryer than a Turkish nunnery since then hasn’t made my life better.

Before you came along, I was pulling French girls every week. Now, the crooked-nose Austrians won’t even look at me twice. I walk into the bar and try to approach them, but like the goddamn fates they share the eye-glasses and see right through my game.

For example, I was seeing this girl Helene. We had a real nice thing going because she was fine as Italian wine and she couldn’t see two feet in front of her, I swear to God. It was a really good deal because I didn’t take it personally when she couldn’t see my dick either. Sure, it was annoying when she kept walking into all those nice paintings that my friend Giotto did, but it was all worth it. We had a nice thing going!

But then enter you, Mr. “Ooooh, I want to make the world a better place by inventing a way to help people see.”

Helene got your damn glasses as soon as she could, and now suddenly she “doesn’t want to hangout anymore.” Now, I just see her hanging out with fucking Chadotello all the time. I get it, I just can’t compare to him. He’s built like a Greek god: 5’6” and 120 pounds!

So thank you for inventing glasses, Niccolo. You may have solved a millennia-old medical issue, but you fucking ruined my love life.

John Buterbaugh

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