Historical Issue

Get Ripped Like A Hill Tribesman: Follow This New Workout and Diet Plan to Lose That Valley Dweller Flab

Tired of looking like a less-than-great ape? Sick of falling behind on hunts? Feel like a loser while watching those hill tribesmen get laid at the solstice celebration?


It’s easy to let yourself go; you gorge yourself after a couple big kills and suddenly your gazelle skin robes don’t cinch quite the way they used to.

From now on, eat what only what you kill! No more taking handouts from the nice Neanderthals next door. If you want food
you’ll have to take your own spear and bury it in the vitals of a living creature. You’ll be hungry for a while, but desperation will have you looking lean and mean pretty fast.

If you’re less a hunter and more a gatherer, this still holds. You’ve gotta snag your own fruits, nuts and berries. Crops haven’t been invented yet, so you’ll lose weight pretty fast on low calorie shit like teosinte. No matter how you do it, you’ll have a six pack by the next full moon.


Hill tribesman are ripped badasses thanks to years of raiding and pillaging. You can’t expect to look like a straight-up cave painting right away. This will require erf, grrr, and huhhgh. Here are a few exercises that will have you ready for the next big feast! 

Run for your life!
Lucky for you, the world abounds with primordial horrors. Put out the campfire and get ready to run!

Go on a raid!
Go over to the next valley and burn some huts! This exercise isn’t all that strenuous but massively boosts testosterone, a crucial ingredient in muscle growth.

Wrestle Grunk!
He is the biggest, baddest hominid in your valley and he’ll kick your ass. However, after a montage of your thick brow ridge hitting the dirt while bone flutes play in the background, you should have some nice muscles and only minor brain damage.

Try Counting!
Mental fitness is just as important as important as physical fitness, and your body isn’t the only thing that has atrophied as a result of your indolent valley lifestyle. Try counting as high as you can go – most hill tribesmen can get to 5.

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