Historical Issue

Analyst Who Predicted Eight of the Last Ten Plagues Predicts Another

Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues.

His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the Plagues Wreck Your Portfolio” is widely credited with accurately predicting the plagues of darkness, blood, locusts, and five others. However, even he admits that he totally didn’t see the frogs coming.

In our interview, he said, “Even though indicators were bad, and we were far along in the plague cycle, the frogs were totally out of left field. I had to totally rethink my models.”

It has been three years since the last plague and fears of a double dip have proven unfounded. However, Ahmenhatek says the wheat rush is fast drawing to a close.

He told the Dealer, “The post plague period is nearly over. After incorporating data from the last ten plagues, I have substantially improved my models. Now I can say with great confidence that there will be a plague during the next flood season. Cattle have been unusually restless, and the camels have atypical humps. On top of it, we had an eclipse two weeks ago. I explain the meaning of all of these signs in my new papyrus, called “Eight Signs of the Impending Apocalypse and What You Can Do to Safeguard Your Harvest.””

When we asked him if he had any tips for nervous farmers, he said that we’d have to buy the papyrus to find out.

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