Historical Issue

UChicago’s Football Dominance Will Never End!

Following one of the most dominant seasons in history, in which our Maroons went undefeated and claimed the National Championship, the campus community has asserted in one voice that UChicago will forever reign as the football powerhouse of the Midwest.

Led by Head Coach Amos Alonzo Stagg and Quarterback Ethan Connor Brosius (commonly known as E-Con Bro), the 1913 team went undefeated in the Big Ten, decisively defeating cross-town rival Northwestern (cross-town that is, if you have a degree in Geography from Northwestern and somehow think Evanston is in Chicago).

On the other side of the ball, the team was led by the “Monsters of the Midway”, which apparently does not refer to the snakes at the law school, but the team’s legendary defense, which held opponents to a combined 27 points this season.

Following the announcement of the team’s National Championship, there was an outpouring of support from the larger campus community. Third-year Miranda Rupf had this to say about the football team’s success:

“The team is really the embodiment of UChicago culture, you know, the jocks who party way too hard but can still pass Calc. I think we can all get behind that. And they really contribute to the progress of the University as a whole. Who doesn’t recognize UChicago as a football powerhouse? I mean, look at Stanford. They’re a great university academically and all, but their team sucks, so nobody outside of the weirdest and nerdiest kids care about them. It would be a huge mistake to give up that kind of name recognition and success. Good thing our dominance will never end!”

A similar sentiment was expressed by the faculty and administration. A large contingent of professors, known as the “Touchdown Teachers,” cheered on the Maroons at every home game, donning the red and white and jeering the opposition with such legendary UChicago taunts as, “You look like the Romans at Cannae, you gobbers!”

University President Harry Pratt Judson was also very supportive of the team, praising them for their “great work in supporting the Life of the Mind” and commenting that he’d “be damned if some successor of mine messes up such a good thing for the University.”

But here, in the jubilant atmosphere of campus, with our victorious champions returning, there seems no way that’ll ever happen. Truly, UChicago’s football dominance will never end!

John Buterbaugh

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