Historical Issue

Romans So White They Only Salted Carthage

CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two Mediterranean powers, Carthage declared war on Rome in what has been described as “stupid” by many citizens of Carthage.

“You don’t declare war on the Romans, they’re the Romans,” claimed one man at the time, who chose to remain anonymous. “We marched 30 war elephants over the Alps last time and still lost to them. How many elephants do we have this time? None.”

Two years later, and the war has finally ended, with the spoils going to the Roman Empire in what some have called “a dick move.”

“It was a real shitty, dick move of those Romans,”  explained native Carthaginian Clitomachus. “I don’t even care that much about politics because I think that borders and governments are unnecessary social constructs, but they really went to town on Carthage, no pun intended.”

What he is referencing, of course, is the burning and leveling of Carthage, making a once great city disappear entirely.

“The worst part of it all was the salt. Those Romans are so white that they only put salt on our city. They could have used pepper or ginger to give the flames of our city a nice aroma, but they only used salt. You know, I bet they thought the salt was a spicy punishment for us,” said Clitomachus.

Indeed, some even claim to have heard Roman soldiers exclaim, “We’ll see if you can handle this heat, you stupid Carthaginians,” as they delicately poured a couple grains of salt onto a patch of land.

As it would appear, the Romans have conquered many lands and invented many new technologies, but still do not know how to properly season a flambéed city. One can only imagine what they do to their food. The spoils of victory have gone to the Romans; however, in this case it seems as though none of the spoils are spices.

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Editor-in-Chief, 2021-22