PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba.
“What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce around here?” said the visibly irate amoeba. “This asshole has undergone mitosis countless times while I’ve never even made it to first phase before.”
He noted that the one time he thought he was about to begin a lineage that would forever shape evolution on earth and get him mad street cred, turned out just to be a nubile volcanic air bubble.
“To make matters even worse, anytime this guy gets any action, he creates an identical copy of himself. Then that asshole copy creates more asshole copies. This sea is just swimming with these self-entitled Chad amoebas,” complained the virgin amoeba as he enviously peered from a distance at the party of Chad amoebas socializing and talking like normal functioning prokaryotic microorganisms.
“What’s this guy got that I don’t? Just because he’s larger and and has a bigger flagellum than me doesn’t make him better. Why doesn’t reproduction ever give nice guys like me a chance? It always goes for the asshole Chad cells,” said the virgin amoeba.
Shrinking back and quieting down as the more sociable, confident, and self-aware amoeba slowly floated by, the virgin single celled organism was seen buying a fedora online to boost his confidence.