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Virgin Amoeba Threatened by Larger, More Handsome Chad Amoeba
PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba. “What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce…
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Advertisement: We Are Starting a Newspaper and It is Going to Be Great!
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO – It is high time that our beloved University of Chicago had a school newspaper. With this sentiment in mind, we are excited to announce the launch of the Chicago…
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If Your Relationship Can Survive Smallpox, It Can Survive Anything
We live in turbulent times. Monarchies fall, colonies talk of rebelling, and friends get transported to Australia for jaywalking. In these troubling days, couldn’t we all use a relationship we know we can…
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UChicago’s Football Dominance Will Never End!
Following one of the most dominant seasons in history, in which our Maroons went undefeated and claimed the National Championship, the campus community has asserted in one voice that UChicago will forever reign…
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Romans So White They Only Salted Carthage
CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two…
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“Transportation Will Never Be More Convenient!” Says Man Who Made it to Oregon After Switching Family Four Times, Burying Alive Three Sons, and Contracting a Severe Case of Scurvy
WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OREGON – Shoveling the last piece of dirt over his son Robert’s grave, John Wilkinson said with certainty that he could think of “no better, more efficient” way to travel across…
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I Used a Martian as a Butt Plug and Now They All Want Revenge
I won’t lie. When I see something small and conical, I get to thinking I should stick it somewhere. I can’t be the first person to see a Martian and wonder what it…
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Dear Zorbak: What Do I Do With His Slime While We’re Phylopotastisizing?
Kaphid asks: Dear Zorbak, whenever me and my boyfriend are about to phylopotasticize, I get anxious that I’m not doing enough with his slime. He sometimes asks me to put it in his…
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How to Keep Bae from Smelling Your Chamber Pot
So, you have your lover over, you’ve managed to not step in horse shit all day, and you’re lying in bed together. Nothing could go wrong – or could it? Suddenly, the foul…
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God Needs a Damn Cigarette After Week Four
After a fortnight of constructing reality, a local deity reported that He “just wants a fucking moment of peace.” “It’s not as easy as it looks,“ he started while lighting up a Marlboro…
