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Area Man Sings Aria
Another announcement from across the midway: an assembly of people near the area have reported the appearance of an anomalous activity. Although not acclaimed for his singing ability, our Area Man assumed that…
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Op-ed: I’m Starting to Suspect These Kids Aren’t into Mardi Gras for Religious Reasons
Way down south, past even 61st Street, lies a city (un)affectionately referred to as the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississippi– New Orleans. But the heavily Catholic city is only a city of…
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New Gentrification Destination for UChicago Students: Rural Iowa
As election season heats up, thousands of college students are flocking to Iowa to take their political condescension from Twitter replies to Iowa pig farmers – which is to say, to a whole…
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Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch,…
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University Disappointed to Discover Jewel Purchase Does Not Include Mango Pods
January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at…
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Michael Phelps: “Therapy Helped Me Overcome My Fear of Drowning under the Weight of 23 Olympic Gold Medals”
You probably all know me as Michael Phelps, the American swimmer who happens to be the most prolific champion in Olympic history. But what you might not know is that for years,…
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Trump Signs Executive Order Making “Gangnam Style” the Official National Anthem
Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant. Say goodbye…
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Let’s Face It: God is not a Good Writer
God peaked with his renowned Genesis. But is the hype worth it? Ever since it was first published in 950 BC, Genesis has been a reader favorite, taking its place on a top shelf in every…
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The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns
Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to…
