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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Word of the Week: Schadenfreude

    / February 3, 2019

    Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds…

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  • kuvia
    Campus Life

    Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus

    / January 28, 2019

    6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri…

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  • Campus Life

    “First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”

    Emily Feigenbaum / January 28, 2019

    Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Oops! My SOSC Essay Accidentally Started 100 Years of Religious Conflict

    John Buterbaugh / January 26, 2019

    WITTENBURG 1540 – I knew I made a mistake by taking Classics for SOSC. Everyone always told me “Martin, just take Mind, it’s by far the easiest and you can seem cool by…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Prohibition is the Moral Cause of Our Time

    Nico Aldape / January 26, 2019

    By Concerned  Citizen Alphonse Capone Hello, my name is Alphonse Capone, a humble Chicago resident and humble laundromat owner, definitely not up to any illicit activities. I merely write as a concerned capo…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Why Did They Do That Which They Did? Interviews with History’s Notorious Change Makers

    Nishant Aggarwal / January 26, 2019

    We all know that a few seminal figures changed the course of history forever with their bold ideas and actions. Legendary people like: Jesus. Pasteur. Hitler. But, no one really knows why they…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Closed-Mouth Smile at Your Bar Night Hook-Up

    / October 22, 2018

    We’ve all been there: you wake up on a Thursday morning to find yourself next to the Econ Bro who let you take a rip off of his Juul at Alpha Delt the…

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  • Lifestyle

    Which EIC Are You?

    Breck Radulovic / September 16, 2018

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  • Politics

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    / September 16, 2018

    At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why the University of Chicago Should Divest from my Ex-Girlfriend

    Nik Varley / April 5, 2016

    The University of Chicago is one of the most respected universities in the world, both as a college and research institution, and this respect creates a certain amount of responsibility, especially in regards…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

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