Historical Issue

Why Did They Do That Which They Did? Interviews with History’s Notorious Change Makers

We all know that a few seminal figures changed the course of history forever with their bold ideas and actions. Legendary people like: Jesus. Pasteur. Hitler. But, no one really knows why they did what they did. What was their motivation? What was the thought process behind their ideas? Well, fortunately, yours truly was recently able to make his way into the inner circles of the Illuminati (thanks, Prof Richard Thanos!) and use their time machine to interview some of history’s most notorious change makers. So, without further ado, I present to you, for the first time in the history of humankind, an inside look into the brains of Buddha, Newton…alright just read the interviews:

Gautam Buddha

I started Buddhism because well, one day my dealer gave me a new batch of blow called you might regret this. It sounded alright. But then the next day I wake up and I just have this sudden urge to do something crazy you know. So, I go out of the palace and find a few people. We talk. I make some things up. They like it. Even the ladies. So, I go along with it to get some action. It was really supposed to be a temporary thing. But then my father finds out that I am doing coke, not ganja as was customary, and shuts the door on me. So, yea.

Isaac Newton

My Maths teacher always nagged me about my virginity. “You don’t have the dual spheres to do it” he would say. But what I really didn’t have the dual spheres to do was say fuck you to him. So, I created calculus, an elaborate system of equations with big long Fs to say fuck you to him not once but many times. I mean, what else do you think the Fs mean? Integral? Wouldn’t I use an I if I really meant integral?

Martin Luther

I’m a rebel it’s plain to see. Hardcore Luther is what I be…One word: punk! Yea, baby!

Michelangelo

I created David because I admire the human body and I thought a statue that celebrates the ideal man would be a great tribute to this complicated machinery. That flowing hair, those big bulging biceps, the rock-hard abs…ooh la la! That long, veiny cazzo, those perfect round testicoli…che gioiello! The human body as I was saying is a beautiful creation, and, with David, I really just wanted to celebrate God and his beautiful creation.

Abraham Lincoln

English is a weird language. One word can mean so many different things. See, when I said I wanted to abolish slavery, I did not mean the forced labor kind. I meant the lick my boots or I’ll spank you red and blue kind…Why? Well one day I walked into my bedroom and there she was, my wife, all tied up in velvet rope, licking a man’s boots as he cropped her and kept shouting “clean them good you dirty slave…”. I thought abolishing slavery would put an end to this and get me my wife back. You are from the future so tell me: this doesn’t happen anymore, does it?

Thomas Edison         

Yes, I invented the electric bulb. I also invented the movie camera, the wax paper, and the best type of electricity. I have always had a passion for inventing new and revolutionary things. I love inventing. Thank you.

Mahatma Gandhi

Thank you for being the first one to ask me about my fashion sense. No, really, thank you for wondering why I dress like I do. Everyone is just so obsessed with the Independence movement that they forget that there is also a person with feelings behind it. Hello? I spend long hours at the gym, avoid carbs like they are Dalits, and get plenty of sleep (mostly with young girls…to test my chastity). I do all this to get some killer abs. And I have got some too! So, to be very honest, my clothes are really a way to show off my rock-hard abs. I mean why can’t a man wear scanty clothes to show off what’s under the muff?

Nishant Aggarwal

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