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I Thoroughly Enjoyed Thanksgiving with My Family
I had a great time in upstate New York with a few of my relatives this Turkey Day. Before dinner even started, Mom was already pretty upset because my seventeen-year-old brother, Kyle, told Grandma that he worships Satan now. I don’t understand why Mom was so mad though, because I think it’s really great that our family can have such an open dialogue about religion. Also, it’s nice that Kyle has finally found something to call his own. After the turkey was carved, Cousin Ashley took advantage of the good humor around the table to break the news that she had gotten a speeding ticket last weekend. Since it’s her…
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Botany Pond Ducklings Served at Fourth Meal
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 4th Meal’s Latest Surprise Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To celebrate the arrival of spring, Bon Appetit said “bon appétit” to the famous Botany Pond ducklings. Supplies were limited and the ducklings ran out fast. But the early bird catches the worm, as they say. Those lucky enough to stop by the Comfort Station before 9:30 on Thursday were treated to tender, batter-fried baby ducks and an artisanal chipotle aioli. The ducklings are practically a UChicago institution. Fuzzy, cute, and utterly defenseless, the arrival of the little…
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Pearson Institute Established to Resolve Global Conflict Between Econ Majors, Rest of World
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 8, 2015 News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study and Resolution of Global Conflicts would help ease tensions between future millionaires and future happy, but otherwise unsuccessful and entirely unremarkable people. Second-year Philosophy major Tatum Adams and third-year Economics major Chet Johnson were excited to hear about the Institute at the RSO fair. “There’s been a bit of ill-will between people like me and people like Chet, but the announcement of the Pearson Institute has already begun to bring us closer together” said Adams, who described…
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Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 24, 2018 Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will include a shooting element. These athletic innovations will debut during the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics. Not all new events will follow the biathlon form, although most will score the athletes on accuracy. Crowd favorite figure skating will now require that skaters shoot at the judge’s score cards as they are read aloud, and the revamped ski jumping event will feature a clay pigeon shooting task as the jumpers descend the ramp. Other changes include the addition…
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Hot New Trend! Steaming Your Vag
By Breck Radulovic Jan. 30, 2018 American actress and professional white woman Gwyneth Paltrow created quite the splash in 2015 when she promoted vaginal steaming, a controversial Los Angeles spa treatment. Personally endorsed by Gwyneth on her lifestyle blog, GOOP, steaming purportedly relaxes your vagine and removes toxins from tampon use, hormonal irregularities, and fucking some guy from Bar Night. Shortly after the new year, Gwynie was spotted on our very own campus steaming her vajayjay over the steam tunnels. Crouched over a manhole on the quad, Paltrow had dropped trou and carefully oriented her pleasure cave over the hot water vapor spewing from UChicago’s steam tunnels. While the spa in…
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Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far
By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of Chicago voted 1103 to 479 to unionize, and while GSU is celebrating a big win, administrators are wisely admonishing them for “taking this whole free speech thing too far.” In an email sent to graduate students following Thursday’s vote tally, President Robert Zimmar and Provost Daniel Diermeier condemned grad students for their “gross over-application of the school’s steadfast and unassailable commitment to free speech.” “It verges on perversion,” the email continues, “Our free speech policy is supposed…
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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 17, 2017 Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down to a relaxing evening of reality television, microwave popcorn, and masturbation when the crisis occurred. Meyers was visibly distraught when asked for comment. “I reached for the remote to watch Real Housewives on DVR and the television just wouldn’t turn on! I realized the batteries must have died. At first, I thought it was no biggie, I could just swap the dead batteries out for the ones in my vibrator.” When Meyers retrieved the vibrator from her…
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How Short Is Too Short? Dressing for Office Hours
By Breck Radulovic Aug. 28, 2017 When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So, how’s the modern American woman to maintain both her GPA and her modesty? Read this brief guide on appropriate office hours dressing to get the A, the D, and alll-together fucked. If you are going to office hours to beg for a C+ in SOSC, you’re obviously not good with words. Let your outfit do the talking for you. Here are some basic guidelines: yoga pants, while suggestive, distracting, and down-right coquettish, are too informal for a meeting…
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