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I Thoroughly Enjoyed Thanksgiving with My Family
I had a great time in upstate New York with a few of my relatives this Turkey Day. Before dinner even started, Mom was already pretty upset because my seventeen-year-old brother, Kyle, told Grandma that he worships Satan now. I don’t understand why Mom was so mad though, because I think it’s really great that our family can have such an open dialogue about religion. Also, it’s nice that Kyle has finally found something to call his own. After the turkey was carved, Cousin Ashley took advantage of the good humor around the table to break the news that she had gotten a speeding ticket last weekend. Since it’s her…
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Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives Counterpoint: Conservatives can’t read
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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 17, 2017 Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down to a relaxing evening of reality television, microwave popcorn, and masturbation when the crisis occurred. Meyers was visibly distraught when asked for comment. “I reached for the remote to watch Real Housewives on DVR and the television just wouldn’t turn on! I realized the batteries must have died. At first, I thought it was no biggie, I could just swap the dead batteries out for the ones in my vibrator.” When Meyers retrieved the vibrator from her…
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How Short Is Too Short? Dressing for Office Hours
By Breck Radulovic Aug. 28, 2017 When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So, how’s the modern American woman to maintain both her GPA and her modesty? Read this brief guide on appropriate office hours dressing to get the A, the D, and alll-together fucked. If you are going to office hours to beg for a C+ in SOSC, you’re obviously not good with words. Let your outfit do the talking for you. Here are some basic guidelines: yoga pants, while suggestive, distracting, and down-right coquettish, are too informal for a meeting…
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Area Subletter Fails Turing Test
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Area Subletter Fails Turing Test Following her acceptance into a study abroad program in Vienna, University of Chicago second -year Allie Sullivan arranged to sublet her bedroom to Computer Science graduate student Alan Mitchell. Sullivan’s two other roommates, fellow second -years Carrie Wong and Patrick Anderson, immediately noticed something was slightly different about their Spring Quarter subletter. Wong said she wanted to make Mitchell feel at home for his three month stay. “I asked him what his name was and what he was studying, to be friendly, ya know? But his answer was just so bizarre! He said, ‘The name that those around…
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Bumper Sticker Space on Subaru Forester at a Premium
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Bumper Sticker Space on Subaru Forester at a Premium Hyde Park resident Patty Nielson, aged 55, announced on Facebook that she is running out of room for bumper stickers on the back of her 2007 Subaru Forester. In a strongly- worded post to friends and family, Nielson bemoaned the currently political atmosphere. “Every week I get a new bumper sticker in the mail from Planned Parenthood… Greenpeace… the Alt-National Park Service…. and sometimes the DNC! I can’t take it anymore!!1 I’m so (pardon my French) Damn Angry!” What started in 2007 as merely a habit has grown to an addiction for Nielson, an…
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Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
By Breck Radulovic March 26, 2017 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 S. University Ave. at a press conference on Thursday. The building is the former home of the Economics department at the University. Citing wide-spread campus support for a convenient, inexpensive, all-hours food venue, Zimmer justified the decision to renovate Saieh. “After the latest Campus Climate Survey, we found that 98% of the student body felt positively toward the opening of a campus Waffle House, yet only 56% expressed positive sentimentregard for the Economics program. Thus, the difficult decision was made to remove the Econ department…
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Sexy Steve Irwin/Stingray Costume Pulled From Shelves
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 10, 2016 Citing a brewing “outrage tornado”, Halloween Unlimited CEO Bart Robinson ordered his franchises to stop selling the popular “Sexy Australian Reptile Finder and Scary Pointed Sea Glider Couple’s Costume” immediately. Robinson’s email to stores acknowledged the resemblance to the famed ‘Crocodile Hunter’ was unfortunate, but entirely unintentional. “Steve Irwin was a personal hero,” Robinson continued, “it was pretty much a stab in the heart when he died.” However, it seems unlikely that the company’s sales will suffer because of the hubbub, as many stores had sold out of the costume before Robinson’s nationwide email was even sent. Halloween Unlimited employee Chet Filipowski seemed…
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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim
By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2018 Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go drown in history! (Like the Lusitania!)” Do you hear what I hear? It’s the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) calling, and they have this to say: “Donner better change his name to…
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