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Area Subletter Fails Turing Test
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Area Subletter Fails Turing Test Following her acceptance into a study abroad program in Vienna, University of Chicago second -year Allie Sullivan arranged to sublet her bedroom to Computer Science graduate student Alan Mitchell. Sullivan’s two other roommates, fellow second -years Carrie Wong and Patrick Anderson, immediately noticed something was slightly different about their Spring Quarter subletter. Wong said she wanted to make Mitchell feel at home for his three month stay. “I asked him what his name was and what he was studying, to be friendly, ya know? But his answer was just so bizarre! He said, ‘The name that those around…
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Bumper Sticker Space on Subaru Forester at a Premium
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Bumper Sticker Space on Subaru Forester at a Premium Hyde Park resident Patty Nielson, aged 55, announced on Facebook that she is running out of room for bumper stickers on the back of her 2007 Subaru Forester. In a strongly- worded post to friends and family, Nielson bemoaned the currently political atmosphere. “Every week I get a new bumper sticker in the mail from Planned Parenthood… Greenpeace… the Alt-National Park Service…. and sometimes the DNC! I can’t take it anymore!!1 I’m so (pardon my French) Damn Angry!” What started in 2007 as merely a habit has grown to an addiction for Nielson, an…
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Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
By Breck Radulovic March 26, 2017 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 S. University Ave. at a press conference on Thursday. The building is the former home of the Economics department at the University. Citing wide-spread campus support for a convenient, inexpensive, all-hours food venue, Zimmer justified the decision to renovate Saieh. “After the latest Campus Climate Survey, we found that 98% of the student body felt positively toward the opening of a campus Waffle House, yet only 56% expressed positive sentimentregard for the Economics program. Thus, the difficult decision was made to remove the Econ department…
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Sexy Steve Irwin/Stingray Costume Pulled From Shelves
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 10, 2016 Citing a brewing “outrage tornado”, Halloween Unlimited CEO Bart Robinson ordered his franchises to stop selling the popular “Sexy Australian Reptile Finder and Scary Pointed Sea Glider Couple’s Costume” immediately. Robinson’s email to stores acknowledged the resemblance to the famed ‘Crocodile Hunter’ was unfortunate, but entirely unintentional. “Steve Irwin was a personal hero,” Robinson continued, “it was pretty much a stab in the heart when he died.” However, it seems unlikely that the company’s sales will suffer because of the hubbub, as many stores had sold out of the costume before Robinson’s nationwide email was even sent. Halloween Unlimited employee Chet Filipowski seemed…
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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim
By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2018 Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go drown in history! (Like the Lusitania!)” Do you hear what I hear? It’s the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) calling, and they have this to say: “Donner better change his name to…
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President Zimmer Requests Safe Space from Concerns of Students, Workers
By Breck Radulovic June 8, 2016 In a statement regarding the pending disciplinary action against a student protester, President Robert Zimmer expressed his desire to keep the University of Chicago campus a safe space for his administration and their supporters. Citing the mission of the University, Zimmer said, “From its founding in 1890, the University of Chicago has been committed to open, rigorous, and intense inquiry with a shared understanding that this must be the defining feature of the University. We recognize that our most important contributions to discovery, education, and society rest on our focus, the power of our ideas, and the openness of our environment to the development…
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University Bans Pornography from UChicago Secure
By Breck Radulovic Sept. 24, 2018 In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison called porn an “inappropriate use of school resources.” The letter stated that any student caught watching pornography would face harsh disciplinary proceedings in the Dean’s office. Ellison’s letter clarified which networks would constitute a breach of the new policy. “Students may not use uchicago-secure to stream illicit material and are reminded that their internet connection is associated with their UCID. Students are also prohibited from using uchicago and uchicago-guest networks to…
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Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair
By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over 70 degrees, I’m tempted to break out my sleeveless dresses and tank tops. The only thing stopping me is my three meters of tangled, knotted axilla tresses. Is it a bit bizarre that my armpit hair measures one and two-fifths times the height of Shaq? I don’t think so. It’s a natural life process and I’m proud of what I accomplished this Winter Quarter. It’s not my fault snobs and misogynists are afraid of my silky armpit…
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