Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!”

The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip he’s had on Chicago’s political machine for the past eight years. “It will fill my eyes with tears to leave a job I love, but it’s time for me to start a new chapter. And that new chapter is in Hell.” Emanuel proposed several initiatives that he would like to see implemented in Hell, among them a $95 million demon spawn academy and a Boeing co-sponsored venture to create a hyperloop over the River Styx. He also professed “giddiness” at the prospect of spending more time with his Democratic donors after the relocation.

Emanuel’s tenure as mayor was not without controversy, with many critics calling attention to school closures, police brutality, and Emanuel’s general dislikable demeanor. However, even Emanuel’s critics lauded the move to hell, calling it the best thing Emanuel has done for Chicago during his time as mayor. Former presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton issued a joint statement which read, “We thank Rahm for his many years of loyal service to this country and to the people of Chicago. We are confident that the next stage of his life, which is in Hell, will prove to be as successful. Thanks for keeping the seat warm for us, buddy!”

Emanuel will remain as mayor until the end of his term next year, upon which time he will pack his briefcase with the colossal weight of the failure of neoliberalism along with a spare neck tie and begin the journey to Hell. It is unclear what factors may have contributed to Emanuel’s decision to vacate the mayorship. Critics charged that he was loath to experience another run-off after 2015’s contentious race against Chuy Garcia, while Emanuel supporters countered that he could be considering a 2020 presidential run. Rumors circulating late Tuesday night suggested that Emanuel may be vying for a new job as a Power Rangers villain, but they have yet to be substantiated.  Although Emanuel himself made no official statement, a source close to the mayor told the Dealer, “Rahm will go wherever he feels he can best aid in Lucifer’s infernal machinations to create human suffering.”

Emanuel concluded by reminding his constituents that although he was leaving Chicago, he would always have a special connection to the city. “The beauty of the structural problems that I created in Chicago is that they will still be profoundly affecting the lives of citizens months, years, and even decades after I’m gone. So in a sense, even when I’ve started my new chapter in Hell, it’s almost like I’ll still be here.”