Chicago Shady Dealer

UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”

Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months.

“Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College.

Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment with the results of his COVID-test and request that the test be curved.

“I clearly can’t be the only one who’s disappointed in their result,” Stew wrote in the post. “If you design a test so difficult that only 40% of people pass, there’s clearly a problem with the professor.” The post continued: “We need to take action — historically, 70% of my PSI U brothers have been able to pass these tests. This time was different. Something’s up. “

“I genuinely feel like my otherwise-stellar 3.2 GPA has been tarnished forever. And the stakes couldn’t be higher — if my recruiter at Mormon Stanley finds out about this, I could lose my summer offer, and then I’d be unemployed, and who’s unemployed these days? If there isn’t a curve, student evaluations will be the least of your problems. Expect a letter from my dad’s lawyer.”

As of reporting, the post has recieved 0 likes, and 0 comments even from the professor.