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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    R.E. Stern / November 16, 2020

    A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Nobody Ever Talks About How Great John Wilkes Booth Was as King Lear

    Anna Katz / November 15, 2020

    In our modern political climate, we tend to judge the figures of our history through one defining action. For Abraham Lincoln, that would be the Emancipation Proclamation. For Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of…

    read more
  • Politics

    Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn

    Mike / November 14, 2020

    I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    Benny Elfman / November 12, 2020

    The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences --…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    Anna Katz / November 10, 2020

    Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?

    Christian Villanueva / November 8, 2020

    Hey guys, just wondering if anyone had a tip or trick I could use. Could be both (a tip and trick), but certainly not neither. I read the other day that you can…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Phil the Phoenix Eats Child

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / November 7, 2020

    In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.

    read more
  • Politics

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    Gate Silver / November 6, 2020

    November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    Audrey Scott / November 5, 2020

    Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood:…

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is

    Christian Villanueva / November 4, 2020

    Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be mentioned that these…

    read more
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