The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • COVID Special Issue

    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    “Because of COVID,” Orst said, “elevators have been at limited capacity. I’ve had to take the stairs to move my liquids from Floor 4 to Floor 5. Do you know how long it…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Students Collect Oral History of Frontline Workers During Pandemic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    The oral history tracks the dental health and oral hygiene of a selected group of UChicago Medicine patients through weekly interviews. “I’d ask someone to report to me about their molars and we’d…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    First-Year Experiences During a Quarter of Firsts

    Jordan Norberto / February 19, 2021

    As a first-year college student, I feel privileged to be among the select group of students experiencing college for the first time through the lens of remote learning. As such, I am preparing…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    344 Days of Isolation: The Dealer’s COVID Retrospective

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Today, the Shady Dealer is proud to be the very first UChicago publication to release a coronavirus retrospective issue. We’d like to stress that all of the content in our retrospective is 100%…

    read more
  • Sports

    Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 7, 2021

    Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    When the world needed it most, Datamatch Returns!

    Deblina Mukherjee and 1 more / February 6, 2021

    It’s been a year. What? It’s only February? Well between attempted coups and unstable internet connections, we here at the Chicago Shady Dealer have had our hands full. Not full enough to forget…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    r/WallStreetBets to Become Newest Finance RSO

    r/todayilearned / January 28, 2021

    Hyde Park- r/wallstreetbets has been granted special RSO status by UChicago’s admin, becoming the latest finance RSO to plague the University. Special RSO status allows a group to bypass the typical RSO application…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 25, 2021

    With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    R.E. Stern / January 21, 2021

    As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 20, 2021

    Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.