Campus Life

Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To

With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to.

  1. My Institute of Politics Tote Bag

I’ve used my IOP tote bag for many things. I’ve used them to carry books, carry clothes, and even occasionally carry miscellaneous items! However, if there’s one thing my IOP tote bag certainly hasn’t carried, it’s my sweet, sweet, lovemaking. That’s simply not what it’s for. 

  1. The pillow in the center of the three pillow arrangement on my bed

If there’s one thing in my room I’m sure I haven’t made beautiful love to, it’s the pillow at the center of the three pillow arrangement on my bed. Sure, I’ve had many lonely nights, but at no point did I look for solace in its blue and white stripes, and soft, cool texture. Not even that one night when I had to write my hum paper and it beckoned to me, drawing me closer with coquettish whisp- On second thought, I don’t think this one should be on the list. 

  1. Toaster:

This one feels fairly self-explanatory, but basically I eat a lot of strawberry Pop Tarts and sometimes the filling sticks to the sides. That’s the biggest thing stopping me from making love to my toaster. 

  1. How to Clean A Toaster 

Is this not Google? Oh. Uh. Ignore this one. 

  1. The pillow on the left of the three pillow arrangement on my bed

Ok, ok, I made some mistakes putting the last pillow, but I’m definitely sure I haven’t made love to this one. I’m not attracted to pillows obviously, but if I were, I wouldn’t even be remotely attracted to its blue and green color scheme and its billowing, soft, sensual texture, enticing me with coquettish whispers and scents of rose and lilac- actually, give me a second. 


Ok, cross this one off the list also. 

  1. The toy airplane my childhood best friend Trevor gave me to remember him by right before he moved away to Japan

Something feels vaguely wrong about this. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s a deeply sentimental object given to me by my best friend in the innocence of childhood. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s a balsa wood airplane. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. I guess we’ll never know. 

  1. The pillow on the right of the three pillow arrangement on my bed: 

Yeah I definitely fucked this one.