Sports

Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback at a time and place of his choosing.

Patriots season ticket holder Patrick O’Connor expressed his outrage at Brady’s leaving him high and dry — especially dry. “Brady was the GOAT, man. I totally would’ve peeled off his sweaty jock straps and [expletive deleted] him with a [several expletives deleted] in the [minutes of expletives deleted].”

Several die-hard Boston fans are in the same boat. “At a certain point, I would have done everything for the guy,” said Johnny Flaherty, “but as far as I’m concerned he’s dead to me now.” Added Tony D’Annunzio, “When I said I’d service him ‘any time, anywhere,’ that was before he betrayed us, you know? Now I’m probably just good for some light foreplay.”

Loads of Boston fans (ahem) are in agreement with Tony. As Tony Staglioni said, “If Brady comes back to Boston and thinks he’s getting anything more than hand stuff, then he’s more crazy than my ‘ma.”

“Yeah, Tony’s right,” said Tony Napolatoni. “Love dies hard. Today, I’ll happily give Brady, the greatest man in the world, a very disappointing handjob — but nothing more. I repeat, nothing more.” The rest of Boston seemed to be in total agreement.

The Chicago Shady Dealer has no such qualms — or any qualms at all, in general, really. While we may not be fans of Tom Brady’s football career, or of Boston, the man’s an American hero, and any of us would be hard-pressed to reject the opportunity to toss around his pigskin and deflate his balls.

We reiterate, the Dealer has no such qualms.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Offer valid until March 2021. To redeem offer, use promotion code TOMBRADYDICK at checkout. This code is valid for one-time use only. Sales tax, shipping & handling do not qualify for discount. This offer is not redeemable for cash or gift cards, nor is it valid toward previous purchases. Offer may not be combined with any other coupons, discounts, offers, or promotions. Void if altered, copied, transferred, auctioned or sold. Offer valid on in-stock items only. No rain checks issued. Offer not valid for prior purchases. Other restrictions may apply. The Dealer adheres to all COVID-related health standards, including maintaining six feet of distance from strangers at all times. If anyone is reading this article and hopes to perform oral sex on Tom Brady in a way which may pose a COVID-related risk, the Dealer strongly advises you to reconsider. The Dealer is not legally liable for any COVID-related damages incurred by the endeavor of performing said oral sex on Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. Langer’s response, given in a subdued and cautionary tone, was to recall to them the intellectual habits and tools of an historian. He did so by reminding them that they had all read Thucydides’ The Peloponnesian War, and that as students of Thucydides they should know that wars rarely, indeed very rarely, end the way they seem to begin.

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