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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Small businesses face a landscape forever altered as the first wave of economic disruption from the pandemic settles. To get a sense of how this is impacting our local businesses, the Dealer talked…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    $100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If something as meaningless…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Practicing for an Uncertain Season

    I Don’t Need My Ex-Wife Anymore / February 19, 2021

    "I just don't see the point of swimming back and forth alone in individual lanes in a way that in no way affects the performance of others also swimming alone in individual lanes…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    Luke Hughes / February 19, 2021

    The admissions department tried to tell me that even nerds like me could get laid at UChicago. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a legally enforceable contract. The University owes me a girlfriend,…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Elderly Folks Show Resilience, Maintain Regular Social Interactions During Pandemic, Study Finds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Surprise, surprise — elderly folks have been doing elderly things during the pandemic, a new study from the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center (NORC) finds. The study, which was conducted via…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    NCAA Overlooks DIII Athletes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    “D-I players are so tall that it’s hard to see over them and find the D-III players,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “Take basketball, for example. Your average D-I center is 6’8” or…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Report: Fourth Years Graduating into the Pandemic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    College graduation is one of life’s last clean transitions, a final passage from adolescence to adulthood that is predictable in ways other transitions rarely are. College is one of the only things in…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Public School During a Pandemic: CPS’ Rocky Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    CPS has released a daring plan to resume in-person instruction after nearly a year of online learning. The key element? Hourly COVID testing.

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    The Master Carillonneur / February 19, 2021

    It was a cold morning, I remember thinking that it had probably rained last night. I’m pretty good at telling when it’s recently rained. I’m actually just pretty good at meteorology stuff in…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    “It’s actually been really nice,” said third-year Fig Newton, currently located in Singapore. “Because all of my classes are from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. my time, I barely see my family. I’ve…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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