-
New “germinAte” Startup Empowers Students to Buy & Sell Grades
“This is a good thing for inequality. It’s actually redistributing wealth... We’re like the modern-day Marx and Engels.”
-
Rating the Old, White Men I’ve Read in SOSC Based on Their Abilities to Make a Woman Orgasm
"My vagina is not the Leviathan; stop trying to take up the sword against my clitoris. Trust me, that’s not how you do it. "
-
Local Business Spotlight: Looking for a Cheap Coat? This Entrepreneur Has a Large Selection That Is Definitely Not Stolen from Alpha Delt
“I swear, this is my coat. I remember it got bleach all over it at the last party, but for some reason the tag is removed? Who knows though? I liked the coat…
-
Review: Locking Your Belt Closed With a Padlock (Then Forgetting Its Combination)
Before you ask, and I know you’re thinking it already, no this isn’t a sex thing. I mean, it’s about keeping your pants on, so it’s more like the opposite of a sex…
-
UChicago Admissions Requires That Applicants Shove Squirrels up Their Asses
“The requirement not only allows us to admit only the most dedicated students out there – it also will ensure incoming students are better adjusted to the difficulties they will undergo within our…
-
Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove
It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. He leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on…
-
Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions
“We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”
-
Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids
Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…
-
Op-Ed: Don’t You Know Who My Dad is?!
You reject moi from the Blue Chips?! I do your RSO a favor by gracing you with my presence, and this is how you repay me?
-
Allen Sanderson Becomes Sociologist by Light of Full Moon
As the full moon emerged, economics professor Allen R. Sanderson was seen declaring himself a sociologist on the quad for no explicable reason.
