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University Hires New Neubauer Family Assistant Associate Vice Admiral Director of Rigorous Professional Academic Engagement, Inquiry, and Hijinks
“We felt like the administration just wasn’t doing our job with 5,438 employees, but we remain optimistic that the 5,439th will do the trick.”
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Announcing the Shady Dealer’s Datamatch 2023
“After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”
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New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne
The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”
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North Resident With “Eyesore” View of Max P Self-Proclaimed “Most Oppressed on Campus”
The UChicago community was sent into an uproar this week after #justiceforNorth began trending on Twitter.
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I’m 40, I Teach Here, and I Just Messaged You on Tinder
So how about it? Wanna give me a shot? If the age gap ever feels weird, just pretend I’m 25 like I said I was when we first matched.
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Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!
I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.
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Provost Argues against Atoms Unionizing to Form Bonds
The credibility of the statement was called into question by representatives from the NLrB (the Nitrogen-Lawrencium-Boron Union), as the University is known to benefit from ions and other dissociated species.
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North Korea Wins Unprecedented 18th World Cup
Dear Leader Kim and Goalie-in-Chief Jong-Un scored the go-ahead goal, along with North Korea’s second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth goals.
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Struggling in a Toxic Relationship? Try Being More Toxic
We interviewed one of the RSO’s most active members, Jake Neebus, and asked him why he joined. “I like making my girlfriend cry,” said Neebus. “I like it a lot.”
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Point: I Wanna Step on the Reynolds Club Seal/ Counterpoint: I Want the Reynolds Club Seal to Step on Me
It’s not like I haven’t tried to make it happen, either. I’ve dropped subtle hints — every time I walk through Reynolds, I make sure I’m looking my best.
