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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Campus Life

    “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close

    Cassie Fischer / March 21, 2023

    “We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 20, 2023

    Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve

    Justin Banks / March 19, 2023

    When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Professor Allen Sanderson Makes Inspiring Debut at UChiCon

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 18, 2023

    Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Perspective for Difficult Times”: An Oral History of UChicago’s Most Infamous Administrative Email

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 17, 2023

    Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Self-Proclaimed World’s Tallest Man Just Matched with You on Tinder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2023

    Disappointed friends reported Monday that you’ve probably hit the high point of your Tinder career and it’s all downhill from here.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 15, 2023

    Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 14, 2023

    The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Nuclear Reactor Found in Rafters of Harper Memorial Library

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 13, 2023

    Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…

    read more
  • World Affairs

    UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 12, 2023

    “They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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