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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Lifestyle

    Report: Wrong Person Shirtless at Point

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2023

    "He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."

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  • Campus Life

    Writing Tutor Too Uncomfortable to Kick Out Couple Making Out in Cubicle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 3, 2023

    “Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University Introduces Brand-New Career Adviser Adviser Position

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 2, 2023

    The counselors will also advise career advisers on the advancement of their own careers, which university officials described as “kind of a lost cause”.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    RH Family Adopts Dog “To Rub it in Students’ Faces”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 1, 2023

    “We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    New Startup Matches Douchebags to African Safari Animals They Can Kill

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 31, 2023

    Environmental activists have touted the app as “pretty messed up” and “the solution that we didn’t ask for, but thanks, I guess”.

    read more
  • Issues

    Report: Guy Still Fucking Talking

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 30, 2023

    Reporters say Brent may be leaking second-hand embarrassment into the classroom air, and scientists urge all students to evacuate.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 29, 2023

    When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 28, 2023

    “This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 27, 2023

    This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 26, 2023

    The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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