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Dean Boyer Unpeels Like Banana to Reveal Younger, Cooler Dean Boyer
"In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history."
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UChicago Dining Releases Book of 300 “Adequate” Chicken Recipes
Head of UChicago Dining, Christopher Toote, lauds the recipes as “technically edible.”
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New Shuttle Route Takes You to a Date with Pete Davidson
The destination is a mystery, but the promise of Pete Davidson should assuage any worry.
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
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Frat Party Crème Brulée Surprisingly Good
“The party was kind of disappointing,” said first-year Shel Terdkid, “but the smoky notes in the caramelized sugar will stick with me forever. ”
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Senator Asks TikTok CEO How to Do Renegade Dance
“How should I move my elbows? Like this?” inquired Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas).
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Harry Styles Showcases New Gender-Defying Steelhead Trout Dress
Another said “I think it was supposed to be an environmental statement or something, but I think he just wanted an excuse to wear fish guts."
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Call Him Forrest Gump: Second Year Lands Dream Internship Working on a Super Prestigious Shrimping Boat
Johnson spoke passionately about the opportunities presented in the shrimp boat industry that will allow him to make ample use of his Slavic Studies major, Biology minor.
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How to Support Pedestrians This Pedestrian Safety Week
Rob your nearest thrift store to provide bright clothing for the pedestrians.
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Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter
It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.
