Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.

When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”

I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.

"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."

Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…

Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.

“I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…

The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…

Editor’s note: The Shady Dealer found this written on a piece of butcher paper in a trash can outside the divinity school. Please direct any complaints towards the original author. AUTHORS NOTE: This…