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Polsky Center Acquires Kimbark Liquor
According to a Polsky Center spokesperson, “We here at Polsky pride ourselves in the what and not the how. We saw a market demand, and we took action.” In an effort to capture…
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Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known…
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
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Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
"Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."
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Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad
Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.
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“Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”
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Op-Ed: This New Provost Will Fix Everything!
I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype.
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Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion
"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much
Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…
