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University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
When asked about the book drive program, one parent responded, “Wait, they’re selling the books, right? For money? And then they’re giving us the money. Right?” The parent expressed disappointment upon being provided…
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Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here
Realistically, the dream that he would leave the school, or at least get thrown out the door of a plane, was unlikely. But did he really have to spawn right here, right now?…
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First Year Really Wants You to Know She Also Got into Yale
The announcement, which takes place during an entirely unrelated conversation about Hum classes, sends ripples through the cafeteria. Some express shock that a person admitted to an elite university like Yale deigns to…
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Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already
Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…
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Polsky Center Acquires Kimbark Liquor
According to a Polsky Center spokesperson, “We here at Polsky pride ourselves in the what and not the how. We saw a market demand, and we took action.” In an effort to capture…
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Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known…
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
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Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
"Of all the no-fly lists I could get into, this was my top choice."
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Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad
Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.
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“Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”
