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My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks
Spring quarter can be a stressful time for everyone. Some people are saying their goodbyes to this campus as they prepare to enter the real world, others cling to Hyde Park as they…
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Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends
With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and…
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Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus
6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri…
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“First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”
Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not…
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How Short Is Too Short? Dressing for Office Hours
By Breck Radulovic Aug. 28, 2017 When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So, how’s…
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Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
By Breck Radulovic March 26, 2017 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 S. University Ave. at a press conference on…
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President Zimmer Requests Safe Space from Concerns of Students, Workers
By Breck Radulovic June 8, 2016 In a statement regarding the pending disciplinary action against a student protester, President Robert Zimmer expressed his desire to keep the University of Chicago campus a safe…
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Pearson Institute Established to Resolve Global Conflict Between Econ Majors, Rest of World
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 8, 2015 News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study…
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University Bans Pornography from UChicago Secure
By Breck Radulovic Sept. 24, 2018 In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by…
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Two Second Years in Trench Coat Caught Sneaking into Alumni Beer Garden
By Breck Radulovic May 25, 2018 The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet…
