Consumers should be aware that they are not suitable for those with plastic allergies, leaving rashes in awkward areas.

President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ''We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of…

Already, some students are petitioning for “Babysueto” (as they’re calling it) to become the school’s new mascot. Administrators argue that Babysueto’s limbs are too complicated to fit on the academic crest, but this…

Once the walls of Woodlawn have been breached, UChicago Campus Housing will lead the remaining healthy students to the roof, where they will be airlifted to Stony Island. When asked about potential capacity…

It is fine if Barbra doesn’t get it. She never gets anything. The only thing she’s done recently is your neighbor George. She got a divorce lawyer, but she doesn’t get your yearning…

“I’ve gotten much worse infections at Snitchcock in the past,” Boyer stated calmly. “This injury is nothing to worry about.” 

"Yeah, I guess I'm lucky I’m not being executed," he conceded.

As multiple scientists have observed in dogs, peeing on one another and in each other’s close quarters is a sign of love and friendship.

We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside. 

"Suggestions from the chair of the committee included the reanimated corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Paul Alivisatos’s evil twin Saul, and the statue of Linne on the Midway."