"Suggestions from the chair of the committee included the reanimated corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Paul Alivisatos’s evil twin Saul, and the statue of Linne on the Midway."

Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn’t smell like Province you're gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! Capisce? Verstehen Sie?

She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her…

“Even before stepping foot on campus, this unprecedented group of students has already made their mark.” Dean of Admissions James Nondorf said. “And I mean that literally. We have renamed a lot of…

They use “network” as a verb. “I had a great time with you tonight. How about we reconvene and rendezvous for a little networking sesh at Nobu next week?” This is not a…

“It was a difficult journey across the Midway with lots of treacherous twists and turns,” he said. “However, I have finally been granted a condom. Now I am in search of a partner…

Let me take you inside the game. When you get moved into your dorm. You'll meet your housemates and make your best and only friends for the rest of your life. You'll never…

Campus activists have long protested the University’s reluctance to provide gender-neutral facilities; however, they noted that allowing students to relieve themselves in the middle of the humongous dome is “probably not the way…

As clumsy human beings, all of us have tripped over our own feet before. Therefore, it should be no shock when you hit a lamppost or fall over unexpectedly. Ensure that your head…

“I don’t need them, I’m perfectly sufficient on my own,” Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault™ and eating dry instant ramen.