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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Arts & Culture

    Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton

    Raphael Ambrösius Cousteau / January 17, 2023

    “Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon. 

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update

    Andrea Zhou / January 10, 2023

    Stale prose, no more; now poetry, galore  And lines with double spaces we ignore

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 29, 2022

    "If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement

    Alasdair Greenland / November 8, 2022

    This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 7, 2022

    In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Dealer Investigates: How Many 4pm Cigarettes Outside the Reg Does It Take to Write The Great American Novel?

    Audrey Leonard / October 27, 2022

    He’s agreed to put a brief pause in his literary machinations to speak to the Dealer, since, in his words, “this interview will be important in five years. I’ll be published then.”

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department

    R.E. Stern and 2 more / October 7, 2022

    We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / September 5, 2022

    “I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo and 2 more / August 19, 2022

    Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture,  Campus Life

    3 Sex Poems from My Poetry Workshop That Scream “I’m a Virgin”

    Kelvin Lototoaster / January 27, 2022

    When I signed up for this poetry workshop, I had no idea that the people in it would be so horny — or so repressed. Somehow, every single poem submitted has been explicitly…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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