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How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope
They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it.
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New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne
The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”
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BTS Members Disband for Good After Finding Their True Passion in the Military
“It will allow me to travel the world and see my fans!”
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Oh Boys! Kevin Abstract Debuts Completely New Boy Band Also Called Brockhampton
“Brockhampton,” named after the Texas town where they met, features fellow youngsters Merlyn Wood, Joba, Bearface, and the cryogenically frozen head of John Lennon.
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MLA Edition 10 – 2022 Update
Stale prose, no more; now poetry, galore And lines with double spaces we ignore
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History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch
"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."
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Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement
This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…
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Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent
In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…
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Dealer Investigates: How Many 4pm Cigarettes Outside the Reg Does It Take to Write The Great American Novel?
He’s agreed to put a brief pause in his literary machinations to speak to the Dealer, since, in his words, “this interview will be important in five years. I’ll be published then.”
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How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department
We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…
