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Mayoral Candidates Spend $4 Million on Crucial Max P Ad Blitz
Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”
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UChicago Introduces 4:30 AM Final Exams, Citing Cost-Saving
A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA.
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Announcing the Shady Dealer’s Datamatch 2023
“After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”
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Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving
Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.
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Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?
This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…
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How to Hold Your 58th Birthday in a Frat House Without Making It Sound Bad
It is fine if Barbra doesn’t get it. She never gets anything. The only thing she’s done recently is your neighbor George. She got a divorce lawyer, but she doesn’t get your yearning…
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Mansueto Declared World’s Largest Gender-Neutral Restroom
Campus activists have long protested the University’s reluctance to provide gender-neutral facilities; however, they noted that allowing students to relieve themselves in the middle of the humongous dome is “probably not the way…
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Move-in-Day Drama: First Year Embarrassed to Have Parents
“I don’t need them, I’m perfectly sufficient on my own,” Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault™ and eating dry instant ramen.
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How to Ride a Llama
Find a llama. Choose a llama that is appropriate for you based on height and weight. Make sure the llama has a reputation for being friendly and cooperative. Mount your llama. If…
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A Dealer Investigation: The “Bar” in Bar Night is Referencing the Bar Exam, Right?
Like generational wealth or seasonal depression, Alpha Delt’s Bar Night is a long-held tradition at the University of Chicago. Most students are familiar with classic bar night practices like getting drunk and attempting…
