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Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t
Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback…
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter
We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest…
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Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site
They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was logistically impossible—we were “students” with “work to get done”. They said we were just a “minor college humor magazine” and that we “didn’t…
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13 Things This Ominous Timer Could Be Counting Down To
00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next…
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UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests…
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How to Look Less Delicious to Your Roommate
Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if…
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You don’t really have a dairy allergy, have you tried meditation?
Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this…
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