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Boyer Insists Bite Mark is “Nothing to Worry About,” Proposes Brains in Dining Hall
“I’ve gotten much worse infections at Snitchcock in the past,” Boyer stated calmly. “This injury is nothing to worry about.”
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Meet the One Student Who Actually Got Suspended by UChicago
"Yeah, I guess I'm lucky I’m not being executed," he conceded.
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Dealer Investigates: How Many 4pm Cigarettes Outside the Reg Does It Take to Write The Great American Novel?
He’s agreed to put a brief pause in his literary machinations to speak to the Dealer, since, in his words, “this interview will be important in five years. I’ll be published then.”
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Point: Pee in Your Roommate’s Bed. Counterpoint: Pee in Their Shoes Instead.
As multiple scientists have observed in dogs, peeing on one another and in each other’s close quarters is a sign of love and friendship.
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“Don’t Go Outside:” UCPD Releases Official Transportation Policy for First Years
We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside.
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“New Dean” Added to Scav List
"Suggestions from the chair of the committee included the reanimated corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Paul Alivisatos’s evil twin Saul, and the statue of Linne on the Midway."
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Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake
“For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…
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Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar
"The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…
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Op-Ed: Please Wear Deodorant
Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn’t smell like Province you're gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! Capisce? Verstehen Sie?
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Meet The Six People You’ll Throw Up On in College
She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her…
