“Don’t Go Outside:” UCPD Releases Official Transportation Policy for First Years
We all know that Chicago is a world-class city with millions of things to do to supplement your learning and enrich your life. Students at UChicago love going to Chicago’s dozens of museums and attractions, sampling its restaurants and nightlife, and otherwise taking advantage of the city the University calls home.
We also all know that Chicago is the murder capital of the world and even stepping into a shadow on the South Side is as good as asking to be brutally maimed. Public transportation, of course, is particularly susceptible to danger. So we’ve compiled a few nuggets of advice about how to hit the town without meeting your demise.
- Don’t take the Red Line. The stop nearest to campus is in the middle of a highway, which means if you get hacked to pieces at the Garfield stop, nobody in the surroundings will be able to see and help you without crossing five lines of traffic and an electrified third rail. The other people at the station were probably also just waiting to murder you. You’ll also have to take a bus to get there, which is pretty inconvenient.
- Come to think of it though, you also have to take a bus to get to the green line. And it’s off the ground, and any possible bystanders can’t fly. Honestly, being at a station for more than a minute or so puts you at greater risk of close contact with buskers — what if they push you onto the tracks? — so students are advised to simply avoid the situation.
- Many students think that taking the Metra is a good alternative. While this does mean spending extra money on top of the CTA pass you automatically have (but should on no account use), and we, as an economics powerhouse (check out the many Nobel laureates in our faculty!) encourage the spending of as much money as possible, the Metra is still not foolproof. After all, anyone could be on the Metra. Like a bear. Or even worse, an ad for Hulu’s The Bear.
- The only really safe option is taking Ubers everywh—well no, don’t do that actually, since the driver could be bad. We’ve heard rumors that some drivers might even be undocumented!
Our dorm rooms are fully equipped with excellent high-speed internet and wonderful views of our beautiful campus. Doesn’t your generation look at their phones all the time anyway? Just think—in the few minutes every week when you aren’t doing homework, think of all the fun YouTube videos you could be watching. Or TikToks or BeReals or whatever the rage is nowadays. You could even take virtual tours of Chicago. It smells much better than the real world anyway. We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside.
So enjoy all the virtual offerings we can offer at the University of Chicago! We hope that you can experience all the city has to offer from the comfort of your dorm room!
Lena Birkholz is a second-year in the College who somehow seems to be turning out exactly like her parents. When not writing biting exposes of the university for the Dealer, Lena enjoys mispronouncing the word "corps", jaywalking and taking up space in coffeeshops
