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OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot
When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family, but this year I am thankful for something else: being really fucking hot.
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How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving
Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes is up, check the potatoes. With your hands make sure they are completely soft, lol. If soft, take them out and place into a bowl.
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UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully
“It’s so crazy! It’s just like that old saying: don’t bully the nerd cause they might grow up to be your boss. But hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m not working these guys too, too hard. Chad loves to come up with fun ideas like this one to lighten the mood,” said Cox, as Mr. Brodie stapled his tie to a desk and proceeded to blindfold coworkers in a game of “pin the cocks on the cox.”
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Holsman and Lynch Sumer Finance Internship (Paid) – posted 2 days ago
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How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware
If you live on-campus and eat at the dining halls, you've probably got at least a few dozen plastic knives and spoons, left over from meals, burning a hole in your pocket right now. Since UChicago can't be bothered to stop giving us this unnecessary plastic waste, it's up to us to think up ways to put them to good use. Like writing out the entire 'Republic'.
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You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing
The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns
Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation
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University to Build Gleaming Multibillion Dollar Mega-Structure over Washington Park
The University of Chicago today announced new construction plans in an area from 51st to 60th and from S. MLK Dr to S. Cottage Grove Ave-- which is, purely coincidentally, the entirety of Washington Park.
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Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real
In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class of 2024 in favor of trained, underpaid actors. While this may seem outrageous, anyone who has actually seen the way freshmen are acting on campus right now will tell you that their behavior is highly incongruent with what is expected from a typical UChicago admit. For one thing, there has been a significant decline in crying sounds and general sounds of misery in and around campus hot spots. This could hypothetically be attributed to COVID and social…
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UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary
Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production after learning of the paintball incidents at the University of Chicago.
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5 Cats Who Definitely Voted for Donald Trump
Snuffles has been a part of the Young Republicans ever since she could drink milk out of a dish. She thinks that the free cat movement by those liberal snowflakes is an abomination and going to destroy her way of life.
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Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations
Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings
Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives Counterpoint: Conservatives can’t read
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Math Department Discovers New Highest Number
A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381.
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Nobody Ever Talks About How Great John Wilkes Booth Was as King Lear
In our modern political climate, we tend to judge the figures of our history through one defining action. For Abraham Lincoln, that would be the Emancipation Proclamation. For Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence. For John Wilkes Booth? His January 10, 1847 performance in the title role of Shakespeare’s “King Lear.”
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
