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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Lifestyle

    OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot

    Paris Texas Hilton / November 26, 2020

    When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family,…

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving

    Ross Shapiro / November 25, 2020

    Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes…

    read more
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism,  Oh the Places You'll Go!

    UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully

    Jackson McNamee / November 25, 2020

    “It’s so crazy! It’s just like that old saying: don’t bully the nerd cause they might grow up to be your boss. But hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m not working these guys…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware

    R.E. Stern / November 23, 2020

    If you live on-campus and eat at the dining halls, you've probably got at least a few dozen plastic knives and spoons, left over from meals, burning a hole in your pocket right…

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    University to Build Gleaming Multibillion Dollar Mega-Structure over Washington Park

    Ian Olson / November 20, 2020

    The University of Chicago today announced new construction plans in an area from 51st to 60th and from S. MLK Dr to S. Cottage Grove Ave-- which is, purely coincidentally, the entirety of…

    read more
  • 93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ
    Campus Life

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    / November 19, 2020

    In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture,  Campus Life

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    Dan Harmon's Secretary / November 18, 2020

    Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Cats Who Definitely Voted for Donald Trump

    Kate Kaplin / November 17, 2020

    Snuffles has been a part of the Young Republicans ever since she could drink milk out of a dish. She thinks that the free cat movement by those liberal snowflakes is an abomination…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    R.E. Stern / November 16, 2020

    A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Nobody Ever Talks About How Great John Wilkes Booth Was as King Lear

    Anna Katz / November 15, 2020

    In our modern political climate, we tend to judge the figures of our history through one defining action. For Abraham Lincoln, that would be the Emancipation Proclamation. For Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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